WHAT I KNOW


...and so a friend calls me over the holidays to update me on how things are going in her life. We live less than ten minutes away, but the minutiae of life has a stronghold on us all and neither of us feel guilty about the days that have slipped like sand between our fingers. She tells me that she's pregnant....again....third child....and immediately I'm struck with grief. Two artists we are; two mothers struggling always to rear happy, healthy, well-adjusted children on one side of the see-saw and on the other, the weight of trying to create meaningful art. With careful eyes on our children, I remember the days we sat on the benches in the playground, the sun dancing off the fibers of our locs, claiming that we are officially done. She with two boys and me, thankfully, with a boy and a girl officiating the unofficial. We were adamant all the while tremendously joyful for the four lives just a few feet away, still young enough to find the miracle in robin's eggs and clouds shaped like zoo animals. There is work to do--novels, plays, one-acts, and monologues. There is travel on the horizon to what some call "Third World" countries. We were done. And we meant it. We discussed our methods of contraception, feeling confident we had chosen wisely. We smiled and hugged at the gift of having each other, to travel this path called Parenthood.
We were adamant, I thought then. But I've come to see that perhaps it was I more than she. And immediately the question, "so......???" And then we talk, in hushed voices, about her unsuspected delight at being pregnant again. At feeling, for one more time, the movement of a body within one's own. The hope that this time it's a girl. And together we giggle, relieved.

And so she said to me, "You know, Angel I really thought I was done. I really did.
But now I know the meaning of Never Say Never. And all of this has caused me to really ask myself: What Do I Really Know?"

And so, throughout the holidays and during and after Kwanzaa, I tossed this question around in my own mind and find it curious that there is a definite distinction between what we believe and what we know and that the line between the two is tenous at best. I asked myself the same: What Do I Really Know? And of course what follows next is not meant to be conclusive, but only what I have come to understand in the short time I've occupied this space on Earth.

I know that people are just people. They are strong and they are weak. They are brave and they are fearful. They are wise and they are foolish. And money or fame are never determinants. I know that all that a person ever has to give is what they have. People cannot give you what they don't have to give. In other words, the maxim, I Can't Make You Love Me. They cannot give you kindness if they are living in hatred. They cannot give you compassion if they don't understand suffering. And I know that to live your life expecting people to do this or that or to think this way or that way is an exercise in futility. Wisdom and common sense are not universal.

I know that it costs so much to be a full human being that there are few who have the enlightenment or the courage to pay the price. I know that to arrive at that place of fullness requires one abandon the entire notion of home base and playing it safe. I know that there is a cost...a great cost...to Knowing...knowing the truths of life. Knowing about government corruption. Knowing about child pornography and prostitution. Knowing about global warming. Knowing about natural healing. A great cost to knowing...and the trick of the matter is knowing how to keep one's sanity all the while doing one's best to effect change.

I know that Joy and Pain come from the same well. That what makes the heart full of gladness one day can be a great source of pain the next. And one has to recognize and make peace with that as best and as quickly as one can.

I know that Love does not mean leaning or owning or possessing. And I know that just as there are spaces between the strings of a harp, so too must there be space between two people. I know that a little bit of jealousy is like salt on food--flavorful--but too much is deadly. I know that letting go is always the hardest thing to do but if one survives there is always a refreshing newness that surpasses understanding. And I know, too, that letting go does not necessarily mean saying goodbye. I know that spirits dwell forever and the mind has greater capacity for remembering than it does forgetting.

I know that Marriage is work and not an undertaking for the weak at heart. I know that the very notion that two people born of two different sets of parents, raised with two different sets of ideals, practices, etc can come together and live in eternal bliss is downright ridiculous. No matter how well-adjusted one thinks one is, there is always that extra baggage---Mother's trunk, Father's Pullman, Baby Brother's Backpack, StepFather's carryon---always that extra baggage that slows down the trip. And the trick is in recognizing it and learning how to travel light.

I know that to have and not need, is always better than needing and not having so a little bit of planning goes a long way. But planning can also be a stronghold and one has to always know that a Source greater than oneself is in charge.

I know that all you can do is always, All THAT YOU CAN DO, in that moment of time. That it's dangerous and self destructive to ask or demand more of yourself than your Self has to give. I know that the God I believe in only asks that I do what I can do and no more and the times of greatest stress and greatest misery and greatest unhappiness are almost always the times that I am demanding or stretching or pulling myself beyond the place that my Self can handle. I know that it is important to know when you've done all that you can do -- in love, in work, in marriage, in raising children, in writing -- and to know when it truly is time to let things be as they are meant to be. To know when to keep forging ahead; to know when to stop and wait and breathe for just a moment; and to know when it's time to simply let go, that is key.

I know that friends come and friends go in cyclical almost seasonal ways. Friends you have when you're pregnant, friends you have when you're married and friends you meet when you're on the brink of divorce. There are friends you have when your children are toddlers and then, as the children grow and move on out of the nest you, in some sad and mysterious way, drift apart and new friends come along. Sort of like seasons. And so you learn to enjoy the seasons of your life for what they are; not wishing for summer when for all intents and purposes it is winter and winter does to the Earth what it needs to do. Friends are there when you need them most, to make sense out what feels nonsensical; to laugh, to cry, to make the journey feel more worthwhile. But on the flipside, friends are not leaning posts, they are just people, still with their own responsibilities and fears and dreams and hopes. Friends mirror what you are, deep inside. To have a friend is lovely, to need a friend is dangerous.

And finally, since I could really go on forever, I'll just say that as it relates to current events--the Tsunami, earthquakes and mudslides, tornadoes and torrential rains--I know that the Earth is speaking to us. I know that the Earth will always do what she needs to do to maintain order, harmony, and balance. I know that all that we are experiencing and witnessing is not the end of the world and the return of the Messiah, but the natural order of things. And I know, too, that the abuse of the Earth, her streams, her watersheds, her air, her oceans, her forests, and the habitats she creates for those who are obviously wiser than us and have the good sense to seek higher ground when they feel her rumble beneath their feet (the animals)---all of this abuse in the name of corporate earnings will only result in more "activity," in which she will continue to restore, restore, restore herself to harmony. And there ain't a damn thing we helpless humans can do.

Those of us who are wise will listen. And we will know.

May peace and good health be yours always.

Namaste.

ANGEL