REVELATIONS

The longer I live the more I realize that emotions are so fleeting. Some seem to hang around too long, like nagging flies, threatening to spoil the fruit of the entire day. No matter which side of the room you move to, no matter what devices you try to employ to escape the feeling, there they are, foot to heel. Others pour over like warm sunlight. You just want to bathe in the goodness. You struggle to grasp, hold onto the feeling for as long as you can. But like anything in nature, we cannot own it; cannot possess it. As for me, I'm amazed at how, literally, minute to minute my emotions change. Some days I'm riding high and feel like the whole world is at peace (which I know it isn't). Days when my writing is moving forward, when a poem has come through, when I stumble across a book I know I need to own. And then there are days when I'm so far down in the dumps it feels like nothing can pull me out. These are the days we loathe and do just about anything to get out of.

But I'm coming to learn that emotions are un-possessable. Like nature which moves to its own rhythms -- try to wish the winter away and there it is in the morning, biting cold, the earth covered in snow and ice, insistent upon its own work, that of replenishing the earth and contributing to the ongoing-ness of things. Try to hold onto summer and here comes the coolness of fall, the fading away of the color, and soon, the solstice time appears. Emotions are not something we should get caught up in, whether that is trying to hold on or let go. Somehow, as the buddha suggests and we learn in meditation, we have to acknowledge them (as Rumi says in his poem, scroll below to see) let them dwell and have their space and then, when it is time for them to move along, move they shall.

Today was an absolute splendid morning. I was in Barnes and Noble yet again (third time in one week) having a quick conversation with the cashier. I asked if I could hold onto my gift card (though there's no money left on it...I plan to refill it) and told her about a woman who randomly purchases gift cards for herself to use on the days when she is down and out. I said that when funds are low and I'm in to pick up a magazine or some other item I so-called "need to own" it's nice to have hidden money to employ. And the cashier marveled at what a terrific idea that is, she said, "Yeah, because the two seem to go hand in hand, the times when you're down and out are the times you have no money." I laughed and agreed.

But then I thought, on the way out, "this really isn't funny." What does this say about me? about us? That money, an outward thing, fleeting at best, can be the source of my happiness? Can contribute to my joy? Surely I have come further than this, haven't I? Haven't I learned how to be content no matter where I find myself? I thought so. I really did.

And I'm reminded of the opening lines of an Alice Walker poem:

the fundamental question about revolution
as lorraine hansberry was not afraid to know
is not simply whether i am willing to give up my life
but if i am prepared to give up my comfort....."

and so today, just thoughts about thoughts and emotions and the idea of feelings....happiness, comfort, pleasure, pain.

waiting for the answers in the roots of my own tomorrows.

--angel