BIRTHDAYS

I guess it's only natural that God would choose that I be born during this time of the year. This is the time when I feel most alive, most aware of the Earth and it's beauty; it's the time when I feel as if the world is aglow. I am so affected by the colors of the trees, many of them looking as if they're literally on fire. The oranges and yellows, burnt ambers and chocolates -- make me feel so grateful to be alive and it reminds me of God's intent of diversity.

Yesterday my husband invited me to bed. Not for sex, but for a much needed respite. Despite having worked all night (him), he said to me, after I dropped both kids off to school, "Why don't you come home, get back in bed and stay there. I'll pick up the kids. And I'll get dinner going too. Please, forget about everything for just one day." He tucked me in, closed the door and met all the challenges of the day without one question, comment or complaint.

I feel so fortunate to have someone in my life who need only look in my eyes and see what I truly need; who sometimes seems to know me better than I know myself. I am the kind of person who sets a goal and will do just about anything to achieve it. I make and accept few excuses. I abhor people who make excuses but can sling off a long list of wants in the blink of an eye or who tell me they are "walking by faith." Well, the last time I checked faith had legs. Faith is an action word. So I sometimes (correction: oft times) push myself to near exhaustion for the sake of completing a goal. I guess my biggest fear is not disease or sudden accident but drowning. Drowning in the minutiae of life such that I reach the end without accomplishing those things I'd wanted to do. Drowning in errands and laundry and field trips and floor mopping and stamp licking. Drowning. And sometimes I work so hard not to drown that I wind up drowning anyhow; drowning with exhaustion. My absolute nadir.

So this week, I'm on a self imposed fast for seven days-- the seven days that precede my birthday. I'm fasting from conversation. Each day, just as with Kwanzaa, I am lighting a candle and sitting in silence to pray and meditate about this past year -- what I've accomplished, what I'd like to do better, faults I'd like to overcome, goals I'd like to carry over into the new year (my personal new year). I am also taking time to evaluate my relationships. A long talk with my second oldest sister revealed that I've been carrying a not so great mentality about friendships. To make a long evaluation short, I've basically been putting up with a few people and holding onto a few friendships that do not really feed me mentally or spiritually but holding on much like a woman does with a bad man. That mentality that says "Hey, something is better than nothing." I've missed New York so much, and all that goes along with New York and somehow I've replaced something with nothing. I know it's difficult to understand but suffice it to say it's now time to release those relationships that really are not going anywhere and that are really more taxing to my emotions than they are of benefit. And so rather than spend this week chit-chatting and falling into the abyss of conversations about other people, their children and their problems I am choosing to spend the week in as close a place to silence as is possible with two little children. I am spending time listening to me, that little voice within where all the answers lie.

Last night, after lighting my candle and sitting down for my siesta, I picked up my copy of Coastal Magazine and started to dream about the waterfront property I want to own one day. I literally placed myself in the house I love in the Sept 2002 issue that I've been saving. I started to write down the research I need to start doing, the financial changes I need to make to start saving toward that goal -- even if it ain' but twenty dollars a week. Basically, spending time with me and my own thoughts.

At the end of this seven days I will have my 34th birthday and I am celebrating it with a dinner for my kiddies, Spouse, and my two sisters whose birthdays precede mine. I shall pray for all of those in California whose priceless memories have been swept away by the hands of carelessness and those who have passed from this life because of the same. I will pray for the people of Iraq who are literally caught between a rock and a very hard place. And I will pray for the Palistinian children who see no other hope in life but to blow themselves up in the name of foolish martyrdom. I will pray.

And then I will thank God that no matter what I've achieved, no matter what I haven't, no matter how many unpaid bills, no matter how far off the waterfront property....I am alive.

I am alive. And I am loved.

Be Good,
ANGEL