MISS CELIE, MISS CELIE

There's a part in the movie Color Purple that always makes me laugh. It's the part where Celie says something to the effect of "I may be black and I may be ugly but I'm free." Or at least that's how I think it goes....that's how my mind remembers it. In any event it seems apropos right about now as I sit and ponder that I am three days away from turning in all the shit that belongs to this company and saying my sweet goodbye.

You see, after the jive ass staff meeting -- you know the one when we were all notified that it was a mandatory meeting and we just had to drop everything and be there during which time there was an announcement that cuts and staff reduction were on the way -- and then my manager's very convenient, well timed one week vacation which left those who really need that gig biting their nails down to the very tendon because they were waiting for her to get back and announce who was getting the ax ...... well, I got the ax. Got the call at 11 a.m., Friday, May 30th. I, a contract employee with no 401K, health insurance, sick time, nor vacation time am no longer needed. On the surface I guess I should be pissed since I gave my all to the company the whole time I was there. But since I've always had a plan B and have another contract gig to step right over into, I ain't hatin'. And the other thing is I can't have much faith in a bunch of stupidos who don't have the sense God gave them, who would let go of a contract employee who costs them nothing, nada, zip. Hey, if they're that stupid then I definately need to say my goodbyes.

So rather than hang with them till the end of the month as they requested, I told them to do me a favor and let me bring my laptop and all their files in on the 13th, two weeks earlier, since I ain't hardly sweatin' their technique. My manager was pissed and near hysterical. How can a person who's laid off have the nerve to say "no, I'm not laid off, I resign." ????

It's called .... Always having a Plan B.

But here's the other thing.

Right now, I feel incredibly free. I feel like the biggest monkey has been lifted off my back. This job was troubling. Stressful. And a major distraction from my creative work. Major. Since I got the ax, I've been more creative than I've been in a long time. It seems my mind has opened up. The poems are coming, the prologue is done and the synopsis is just about done too. I'm on my fifth round of cuts on this synopsis, still trying to trim some remaining fat, searching my thesaurus for the one word that can replace two but essentially it's done. I've got my whole novel down on 5 pages and if I were to run into an agent today I could say, without sounding like a bumbling fool, exactly what my novel is all about. I can finally say it's done. It's all closer and closer to being ready and that's a damn good feeling.

Sister Alice says that novels take a long time, a long long time, and she ain' never lied. This project has taken me longer than I'd like to say simply because I've always tried to balance writing it with motherhood and full time work. And I have become, over the years, painfully aware that Virginia Woolf sure knew what she was talking about. That it is very, very difficult to be a woman and fiction writer. Difficult but certainly not impossible. One has to use whatever means one can to earn the money one needs to survive and earn it in such a way that does not distract from the creative work at hand. That is no easy task. But I say again, it's difficult but not impossible.

So here I am, 72 hours away from saying goodbye to a job that nearly drove me into therapy....that I only kept because it was convenient and offered the flexibility I needed with a newborn at home that nursed around the clock. But here I am too, in a different space, with different needs, goals and desires ..... with a newfound awareness that my creative work is my work and my work is just my income. A means to an end, not meant to be taken as seriously as I had taken it and certainly not meant to be put on the front burner as I had put it. And so the days now are filled with writing, revising, knitting and gardening and work is relegated to the weekends and late evenings when the mind is not as fresh -- perfect for non-creative pursuits.

I's free. I's finally free.

Be well. Be Love(d).

ANGEL