I DON'T KNOW HOW SHE DOES IT

Forget about Allison Peirson's book, I don't know how I do it. Damn. Tuesday was mad. Seriously mad. The day started off with a fluttery feeling in my chest knowing all that I had to accomplish that day and this week. Here's a snatch from my To Do List:

1. Wake, shower, get myself and two kids dressed fed and out the door by 7:30 a.m.
2. Get across town to Kid #1's school and back across the other side of town to Kid #2's school.
3. Get back home to answer/address work related emails.
4. Get grant package together for mailing (but first have to dip over to Kinko's to print it on a laser since I don't have a laser and really want a good looking submission)
4. Back out the door by 10:00 to attend 2 hour staff meeting. (Same old rhetoric, of course. Whole time thinking of my To Do List).
5. Get back home by 12:30 to wash, slice and bag up Kid #1's Golden Delicious Apples for Thanksgiving feast at school.
6. Get across town to Kid #1's school. Early arrival. Dropped off apples and zipped down the block to Kinko's to print out the story and the cover letter that go in the packet.
7. Get back down the block to Kid #1's school and help (as promised) serve/moderate the feast.
8. Get Kid #1 home (but stop off at a business location to pick up much needed funds that will later need to be deposited).
9. Get home. Get apple peelings, seeds, carvings off the counter and clean kitchen.
10. Since Spouse has already picked up Kid #2 I'm safe but need to get Kid#1 and Kid #2 ready for Kid#1's ballet rehearsal (Nutcracker).
11. Get Kid #1 and Kid#2 into car and down the road to Nutcracker rehearsal.
12. Get back home and get Kid#1 and Kid#2 fed, bathed, night-y night stories.
13. Eat.
14. Look over print out from Kinko's, get whole packet together in envelope, look over again for the millionth time to ensure everything is there.
15. Call sick friend "R" to check on her since she called me over the weekend and I have yet to get back to her. Call friend "M" to check on her daughter who's sick too.
16. Work. (Now 10:00 p.m. and too damn tired).

I realize I have two fours there but I have too much to do and it would take to much time to change it. Bottom line is this: I don't know how I do it and for that matter, I don't know how mothers do it, period. As I was coming home from Kid#1's rehearsal, as she was chat-chat-chatting away I just had to clutch my head and all I could think is that one of these days I'm going to go into serious Melt-Down Mode. I mean, I used to be so good at remembering names and numbers and now I can hardly remember what day of the week it is. I'm too young for a Melt-Down. And the thing that gets me is that people use the word "Amazing" to describe little shit. "Oh, isn't that car just amazing?" "Oh isn't her singing just amazing?" Freak that. What I think is amazing is how the brain can continue to function after 16 hour of being awake, after it has been exposed to my Kid#1 and Kid#2 and all the kids in Kid#1's class and my grant packet and traffic and email and Spouse and all his drama .............. damn, that's what's amazing in my book..... that my brain still knows how to send a message to my two feet and tell one of them to step out in front of the other .... now that's amazing. A car is not amazing.

Anyway, I'm in serious Melt-Down mode right now. Got the grant packet off in 'zee mail today and I'm a happy freakin' camper. Spouse received some really really good news today too so we popped open the champagne we'd been storing. Let me tell you, we have learned to celebrate when the freakin' sun comes up. Nothing is too little to celebrate. So whatever happens with the grant I'm content to know that I've met my goal in light of all the stuff I got going on. So now I just have the last little bit to work to complete on this novel and I'll be holding a draft party .... celebrating a done draft. No it's not ready for the agent yet but it will be. One step at a time.

And so Thanksgiving is tomorrow and I've got to get myself in ready mode. Gotta wash and re-twist my hair which is an ordeal but now that I'm dry twisting it's so much longer, prettier and easier to do. Got Kid#1 a really cute pink and purple outfit (her favorite colors) and Kid#2 already has a gazillion articles of clothing and he only really needed sneakers so I've done that too today. The main thing is that sip of wine I'll need to ready myself for the in-laws. Spouse and I are planning to take two sips, grab our Scrabble board and disappear into a corner somewhere while Kid#1 and Kid #2 play with the in-law kid that needs some serious discipline. And this too shall pass......................

Oh yeah, I found this sp-ant-abulous (spectacular + fantastic + fabulous) site for thinking mama's to check out.

If you're reading this, then it means your heart is beating, your brain is oxygenated and you've got something to be thankful for. Enjoy your turkey and pray for peace.
be well. be love(d).

shared with you at 6:29 PM by angel

Saturday, November 23, 2002

Man, it's been so long since I've blogged. Well, real life kicks in and I just reserve the right to blog when I feel like blogging. Kinda sorry I didn't journal more about those last two posts. Oh well. A lot's been going on this past month. Birthday has come and gone and My Personal New Year has begun. The good thing is that I have been through some real spiritual change this year and I truly feel like I'm a better person. I'm redesigning my personal paradigm and have made the decision to spend 2003 writing full time and working part time as opposed to working full time and writing part time. I think the only way we can have what we really want is when we make the main thing the main thing. Basically my job is usurping too much of my creative energy and since I'm a Mom and already have very little energy or time to waste I've decided that something has to go. So I'm on this serious debt reduction kick .... don't own a cell phone and I'm seriously jonesing for a new system I've decided that the path to freedom is paved with money and lots of it. I mean, why do we work? We work to pay our bills and pay for the things we want, essentially. I like my career but if I had my druthers, trust me, I would be home writing and painting and decorating my home and taking care of my kids. Money answereth all things. So by switching around my work schedule and eliminating some expenses I know I'll be able to dedicate 2003 to the rewrites.
Another good thing that's been happening lately is that I'm meeting people who are doing, for all intents and purposes, the same thing I'm doing: redesigning their lives, thinking about what's really important, making decisions to move out of the country for a while. A good friend of mine left her job of sixteen years as a journalist at the Washington Post last year. She's been freelancing, giving speeches, delving into fiction writing .... basically, living. And though money can get tight at times, she's happy.
And cruising around a few sites I ran across a few blogs by folks that are questioning ....
And I think that's a good thing. I'm scared of folks who just accept things as they are; who don't seem to have an opinion about politics or religion or life. You know the kind of people who just seem to exist? Schlepping to their nine to five, standing around the water cooler complaining their asses off. The kind of people who have kids but think recycling is too much work. Anyway, I've been meeting people lately who seem to be on the same wavelength I'm on and that's a good thing.

Finished my short story WHAT REMAINS, that I'm submitting as a work sample for a grant I want. I'm proud of the story, which incidentally has gotten rave reviews at several readings where I've presented. But I'm equally proud of the fact that a year ago I wouldn't have thought I had the wherewithal to even apply. I've got an essay that's due to be published next month, titled THE ART OF SILENCE, which speaks to the necessity of personal silence in the creation of meaningful art or literature and best of all, I'm a stone's throw away from finishing this draft of the novel. In fact, I estimate by Christmas I'll be done. The ending is written, I just have about two or three chapters that lead to the ending to do. So, I'm feeling good right now. I'm in a good space.

What I'm reading right now is really enlightening and necessary. I know my mother would have a fit if she knew for a minute I've been studying outside of what we grew up believing but that's the beauty of being a thinking adult: ability to make your own decisions and decide for yourself what is true for you. She had a cow when my brother came back from living in Saudi (no, not military) and had a Qu'ran in his home. Oh she had a cow. But as far as I'm concerned that's her problem. I study the Dharma because I need universal truths. I can't function within these narrow guidelines established by people who are not living what they're preaching. And far be it from me to judge but I just believe that it's time to start discussing God and start touching God. And I believe as Thich Nhat Hanh says "Until there is peace between religions, there can be no peace in the world." People kill and are killed because they cling too tightly to their own beliefs and ideologies. To think that one group of people possess the Truth and that no one else does is a narrow-minded, very dangerous position. Think 9-11. Think Israel / Palenstine. Anyway, I'm open and I'm enjoying what I'm learning in the Buddhist teachings. Will I be a Buddhist? Perhaps I already am. One thing I do know is that in this new paradigm, I also have no need for titles or classifications. I am what I am and that is a hodge podge of many many things.

Until next time: be well. be love(d).

shared with you at 12:04 AM by angel